Out of Distress . . .
Yesterday, January 3rd, I woke up quite nauseas and I was soon vomiting up all that was left in my empty stomach-water. After the first round of vomiting into my sink, I knew that something wasn’t quite right. I’ve fasted before and have never felt sick in the morning and it has never gotten to the point of vomiting. The quite little voice in my head kept saying “you need to eat, you need to eat, you need to eat . . .” Now whether it was the Holy Spirit or the demon on my shoulder trying to make me stumble I’m not sure. But I know that all wisdom said, and everything I have read and heard about fasting said, “If you start vomiting then eat.” Well my strong and prideful flesh and soul said, “No. No. NO. I’m not going to eat.” As this battle of voices in my head went on for a while I decided some banana would probably be a good idea. It wasn’t. After a bite, the banana and a few sips of water I had just downed up-ed itself again. Back to square one with my spirit saying eat and my pride saying no. My common sense won and I had some toast, which immediately settled my stomach.
I walked out of my house scratching my head, and cradling my broken soulish pride when I saw a crow (or raven) that stood about 2 feet tall picking apart what appeared to be some carcass. I shivered at the sight and I heard God saying “If you don’t turn to me with a whole heart you too will be eaten by darkness.” More shivers, much concern, and many doubts about how well I was hearing God that day. Throughout my drive to work, work, and my drive home I was concerned and wondering what the Spirit was saying (besides the obvious right?). Once home I quieted myself and I came across Psalms 118:5
: “Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free.” David cried out to God out of his distress! Not out of his strength or pride or surplus, and it was when David cried out of distress that God broke in and answered. Yet here I was fasting not out of distress and despair with the situation at hand but because I wanted God’s favor and power and revelation behind what I wanted-not what he desired. I was fasting because I had the luxury to fast-despair did not drive me to fast. I was not looking at the current state of my life, my friends, my city, my nation, our world in distress, but I was saying, “hey cool we are gonna do this 24-7 thing and God’s gonna come break in with all of his might and glory and . . . it is gonna be great!” I was not coming before God broken and overwhelmed crying out to him because of my complete lack and need for him. I was not coming with realization of the total depravity of my humanity. Yet, it is only because of Christ that I literally wake each morning and continue to live to see each hour, and it is the Almighty God who “gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding” (Dan 2:21). How foolish I am.
I started to pray, and as I prayed, I fell asleep. As I slept I started having dreams-none of which I remember-but I remember coming in and out of sleep praying that the we (the entirety of mankind) would have a revelation of our complete depravity so that we would be able to turn to the Father with a whole heart so that we would not be consumed. Over and over again I cried out to heaven that He would give us the realization of our extreme need and dependency on Him. I cried out that he would open the eyes to the dust that we truly are. As I dreamt and prayed I came to the realization that it is not until we learn of our depravity can we learn of the heart of the Father. We cannot fully grasp onto or be given the heart of the Father until we come before him is desperation and humility.
If I go out and build 24-7 prayer in Denver without the heart of the Father it will be nothing but a bunch of busy noise in the atmosphere that will do nothing but take up space. 24-7 worship and prayer will bear no fruit unless it is 100% birthed from the desires of the Fathers heart. And the heart of the Father is that his people would have His heart and walk in communion with him. That is what the Burn is about. It is about coming before him out of our weakness and need for him-crying out day and night because we don’t know what else to do . . . in this state we inherit the King’s heart, or at least a deeper revelation of it. Once we have his heart we can do nothing else but come before him in humility and despair because of the brokenness of the people we walk by each and everyday. We will only see a shifting and a change when we realize that the luxury that we live in nothing but rust! If we want to see a turning that we must truly realize the need for change, which means we have to see the darkness in the land! Our eyes must be open to our complete depravity! What would compel a man to come broken and humble before the Father with prayer and fasting if there is no realization of need?
The Father is looking for humble and contrite hearts-that is what he wants. He could careless if I found ten trillion dollars on a tree and hired 4000 people to pray and worship 24-7 for the next millennium if we were only rending our time, and money, and not our heart. In fact I bet he would say. “If I were hungry, would I not tell you for the world and its fullness are mine” (Psalms 50:12).
Folks . . . maybe I’m just talking about my own pride on this one, but if we do not turn from self-idolatry and praise of man with despair and the knowledge of our depravity with a whole heart-our flesh will become food for the ravens.