to wrestle with desire

There is nothing like fasting to really bring into focus the things that you want the most.  It makes my heart readily examine all that I desire, what i really want, what I am really willing to sacrifice.  It’s where the rubber meets the road, when I really discover if what I tell Jesus in the middle of the night with a full belly is really true.  In his sermon, “The Weight of Glory”, C.S. Lewis says: ” If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased”.The Father has really been speaking to me about desire.  About what I want.  What I strive for, what i work for.  What I put above all else.  He, to just be honest, has been chiding me, disiplineing me in the ways of  his heart.  He is saying that my desire will never be enough, that there is always more to Him, more to know, more to desire.  But I must come in my weak desire and give Him all of it, all I have.  He is bringing up all the things that I desire above Him, all the ways that I don’t follow the first commandment.  The fact is that I fit what C.S. Lewis said all too well.  I am fair too easily pleased by whatever is in front of me at the moment, whatever takes my fancy.  I know, I see that I have been offered an eternal holiday at sea, a chance to partner with the creator of the universe.  A chance to know his heart in intimate ways.  Yet I like mud.  Mud is easy, its safe, it feels nice on my skin.  I truly am a rebellious human who is too easily pleased.Yet the Father is calling me.  You were made to see my face.  You were made to desire me.  So come daughter.  Come and desire me.  Desire my heart.  Give me your heart and I will give you my heart.  Desire me.  Desire me, it is the only  way that your heart will by fully alive, fully satisfied.   So I must lay down my heart, I am mandated to lay down my heart.  And I do because I have been down the other road.  I have seen the despair of hell and I instead choose the mercy of his throne, where I am seated at his right hand.I give Him all my desire.  I choose to live in Him and through Him.  That is the call, and we all must make the choice.