Easter+Exhaustion=??

This is really long I know–But I do not apologize. Nor do I force you to read this.

What you do know is that this past Sunday (March 23, 2008) was Easter Sunday. But what you don’t know is that lately I’ve been tired—really tired. All I’ve wanted to do lately is sleep. I’m not sure why, just am. The mixing of these two ingredients may shift the chaff from the wheat, or you might say that it really shows where a person’s heart really stands. So this weekend I was faced somewhat of a choice: go to church Easter Sunday, or stay home and sleep. Not much of a choice to debate I know . . . there is no question about what any God Fearing Christian should do in this situation. Even though I could have come up with a long, long list of excuses of why I shouldn’t go to church on the Sunday that Christ rose and conquered death—I chose to do the right thing and not make excuses. Boy am I glad I chose the right thing to do on such a day as this!

Sleeping in till nearly 11 AM and not going to church was just flat out glorious! I was tired. I rested. Isn’t that what you are suppose to do on the Lord’s Day? So here I am, exhausted from life, discouraged, wondering why I waste my life doing this Burn thing, just wishing I could have more of a life, wishing I could go back home to Papua New Guinea, not understanding why I am the way I am, not understanding why God let me become a third cultured missionary kid (TCK or an MK). I woke up thinking that my life is stupid and that there has to me more to this thing we call God, and I’m probably also slightly annoyed that I know everything else in the world leaves me unsatisfied because that only leaves me with one option—God.

Sleeping in is slightly unusual for me on a Sunday—not to mention an Easter Sunday. But with unusual days come unusual things. I think it gives God some extra room to speak. Instead of him saying what you would expect him to be saying on a day like Easter—I won’t put the words in his mouth because I really don’t know what he might have said to the rest of mankind today, I wasn’t on the page—He is able to say what He needs you to hear.

I woke and thought about what I should open my Bible to this morning—for a brief flitter of time I though maybe I should read about Jesus’ Death and Resurrection, but that quickly past and Luke 2 popped into my head. Odd I thought—Luke 2 is Jesus’ birth, not death. My intellect tired to raise its commanding voice and how I should reading about how Jesus died for me—but I found that to be a terribly silly notion. For some reason I didn’t feel like Christmas this past Christmas, but a few weeks ago I did, and I also found myself waking to IHOP’s (International House of Prayer) web stream Sunday morning thinking, “I wish they would play some Christmas songs, I’d like that.”

So, I open my Bible to Luke 2 . . . and there it is. God starts to speak to me. God reminds me that Jesus grew up as a TCK. His parents are from one town, born in another, lived in Egypt and then moved to Nazareth. He was probably (I assume) an outsider, working class, growing up and just grinding out the 9-5 knowing that he is called to so much more than this. I wonder how many times he said to his friends while playing—“Well in my Father’s house back at home, in heaven, HE has . . .” Just as I have said “Well in PNG . . .” (probably never). Then I was just blown away by how God ordered Jesus’ (Joseph’s and Mary’s) steps. He was whisked off to Bethlehem just in time to be born. God just started reminding me that He is ordering mine. He has me in specific places doing specific things at the right times for a reason. Where I am right now; what I’m doing today—is valid and has been ordered by God.

Then God blew me away with how he came to dirty shepherds! God told the guys who sat around in a field. He came and told the nobodies of nobodies about what he was doing in the earth! And he didn’t just tell them but I mean he let them know he wasn’t kidding around, “a multitude of the heavenly host.” I can just see those guys next week sitting at a bar ordering a round for some other friends, a little tipsy, saying “No dude, I swear I promise you . . . they were, were like ton’s of them! And sure enough there was this little baby . . .”

His friends would say, “Right are you sure you didn’t have a little too much wine there? Besides, the messiah will be a King! He isn’t going to come in a manger!”

“No man! He is . . .uh did. He is the working class just like you and me bro . . . just like us!” (No one believed them)

It makes me wonder sometimes at us MK’s, and at this generation: are we shepherds or Pharisees? We are so sick and tired of the USA, of 9-5’s. We say we wanna live for so much more than that. We wanna chase God. We don’t want to waste our lives just collecting things and living for ourselves. So what do we do? We do everything we can to move and get back into missions and overseas making a difference and living for something so much greater than ourselves. I think we (including me) have bought into a really big lie. Aren’t we just living for ourselves when we do that? Aren’t we just collecting experience instead of collecting paychecks? Are we really wasting our lives for Jesus by running around the world . . . or are we living our own dream? Sure we may not want to be “famous” but we want to be more well traveled and more experienced than other MK’s. We want to wear our shiny metals of where we have gone and what we have done for God. We are no different than those wanting a mega Church or a million dollar yacht if our hearts are in the same place. These things aren’t inherently bad. It is the motives in our heart that makes things unclean. God just really hit with a lot of paradoxes. Everyone is wasting his or her life away on something. We (Burnites, Missionaries, etc) are no different. We are wasting our lives away. But are we wasting them on?

“Oh on the feet of Jesus . . .On the Kingdom . . . ”

Really? I’ve been looking at myself as of late. I’ve been asking, “What did I sign up for?” I want to go out and live life at times. I want to be normal at times. I want to be able to hold a conversation with someone. I have been questioning this road through the desert. I’ve been asking what I’ve been wasting my time and energy for? Singing songs in a room. Asking God to rend the heavens, to pour out his Spirit, for wisdom and revelation . . . Why? I press in and get nowhere. Lying on my bed may satisfy the longing of my heart but it takes a lot of work to get and or stay there. Why do we contend? Why do we cry about people we hardly even know? Where is it getting me?

We have this perception that in order to really chase God we have to be changing the world. Wrong. We have to really chase God, and out of that He will start transforming the world through us.

I continued on with Luke 2 and God just slams me once again. Simeon and Anna . . . these were two people who waited and waited for the coming of the Christ. They wasted their lives. They contented to see the Messiah come. They waited on God. Jesus was their portion–literally. I don’t know what more say. Anna fasted and prayed and worshiped day and night in the temple without leaving for probably 50-60 some years. Simeon was holding onto a promise just waiting for the consolation of Israel and God ordered his step to go to the Temple and see Jesus—“a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and for glory to your people Israel.” Jesus is our portion, not drawing a city together, not being a homeless missionary to the darkest places of the world, not laying hands and healing people, not mega churches, not the Burn, not saving souls, not your small group, not your blog, not your sermons, not your music—nothing. Only Jesus.

While reading all this I was listening to IHOP, and it was just a girl on the piano. She started singing “Am I enough for you?” —Is Jesus enough for us? If that is all we ever receive will that be enough? If we life the 9-5, and live in the same house all of our lives, and we chase God in our bedrooms, and we get Jesus will that be enough? Is Jesus enough for me? If no one reads this far in my blog and no one comments and my only reward is Jesus will that be enough? Will I be okay with that? If I live life and all I ever get is knowing Jesus in my heart of hearts . . . will that be enough? Because that is what we are after folks: Jesus. Everything here is gonna pass away, my experiences here will vanish, all at the end of the age all I will have is Jesus. He is my reward. Simeon and Anna contented for Jesus and that was what they received—he is faithful to give us what we ask for, but are we asking for the greater portion? Angels came to Shepherds . . . not Pharisees.

After all this you may think that God was done talking to a heathen who wasn’t at church on Easter, but I guess he wasn’t. I found myself opening up to Genesis 2—it must be God right?

God just started to show me how much he desires me, and how he has prepared a place of intimacy for me. He has planted a garden full of good food and placed me there, and he placed me there to work the garden. Intimacy with God is not something you can necessarily walk into eat and then leave. You have to work for the fruit—but the thing is here we actually receive food. This place, the garden, the place of intimacy . . . this is the source of all life. All thing flow out of this place . . . Gen 2:10-14 talk about four rivers that flow from the ground out of the garden watering the rest of this land. This means that all life, our entire existence outside of intimacy with God is watered by intimacy with God. How do you get streams of living water in you work place? Spend more time working in the Garden because intimacy is the source of all water.

God placed us in the Garden with him and we left for lesser things because we thought that He was holding out on us, and we still live with that belief. We still think that God is holding out on us. So instead of choosing the foolish intimacy of our gardens, we are still choosing the glamorous things of the world: missions, changing a city, writing, singing a song, money for the Kingdom, yachts, Churches. What have I been working for? Has it been Jesus? Or has it been the glamour of the world? Maybe I have been laboring for the wrong things, or maybe the right things but for the wrong reasons.
Are we giving to God like the widow gave her 2 mites, or are we like the rich men who received from man as they gave plentifully? She gave everything she had though it was a little amount–maybe giving everything that we have is small as well because we are poor. I’m not talking about physical treasure, but maybe coming to Jesus in the quiet place and saying–”here I have nothing but me and a small amount of time right now to give you.” I believe that is worth more than saying “Here Jesus I’ll waste my life on you, I’ll do all this great stuff for your Kingdom–just watch me go . . .” How often do we come before God rich with a proud offering of glamorous actions, instead of coming before Him weak and poor giving him our broken selves.

What we content we will receive—Simeon and Anna did, the Shepherds did . . . the Pharisees did. What are our hearts contending for? Where are we laboring, inside or outside of Eden?

Jesus: the Tree of Life in the Garden–that is our portion. Nothing Else.